Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The loneliness



I struggled to breathe, with the occasional tears flowing.
I tried to compose myself, but to no avail.
I cried my eyes out.

It felt like the pain was squeezing every inch and ounce of this already batterred, tattered and torn heart.

I always wonder why im one of the miserable souls feeling this way.
It felt like being thrown off the universe, twice.

Why do i have to feel this way?

Why is it so hard for me to open up?

Why is it always so hard to be loved back?

Why is it that when im already willing to open up, already willing to give my heart and soul to someone, that person is just pulling a fast one on me?

I feel envious, full of admiration with a tinge of jealousy when the people around me are happily attached, happily married.

I often wonder whether i will be able to finally feel as the lucky one.

To have someone to hold, someone to be with, someone to be there for me during my ups and down, someone to share my joy and most importantly, someone to love me.

In this world, theres no perfection.

But at least, if i were to be with someone, he has to be PERFECT in my eyes. He has to be that special one.

The special one who is pleasing to the eye, a romantic who is full of sweet, lovely surprises, smart enough to have a political debate with me, funny enough to crack me up with jokes, sing to me every now and then, call me up just to tell me that he loves meand most importantly to accept me for who i am.

I was told that im choosy, that i have too high of an expectation for someone as mediocre as me. I was told to open my eyes and look.
I was told that i am, indeed secrectly loved. (though that person has yet owned up)
But then again, im glad he didnt coz i did not want to ruin the friendship and closeness that we both has established.

Then again, i vowed not to be with someone whom i regard as friend.

I was rebutted once again. It was said that even when you meet someone new you have to be friends before lovers. That, no doubt, is true. But its easier to go back to acquaintance coz u dont have mutual friends to begin with.

I could be wrong but those are my perceptions and thoughts.

Is there anyone out there for me coz its getting even harder and harder to breathe?


@ 5:14 PM