<[[~ dyna's bloggie ~]]>

Im way busy.

Im way sick.

I will be back on the 5th of November 2K7.

Insyallah.

@ 11:25 AM

No More

I wanna blog out every single frustration and sadness that i felt today. Actually since yesterday. Or was it on Monday?

Today came its toll.

I dont quite know whether this will be a supa long entry or otherwise.
Only time will tell.And also whether i could go through phtobucket.com.

Shucks!~

I guess not.
This wouldnt be an entry with pictures even though at first i wanna blog about the open house thingy but since i cant go through that webbie wer i always store my pictures, den dat shall wait.

I wanna tell you a story.

I met a guy few years back through this webbie call Anak Melayu.

Yea, yea, kental i noe.

But for the record, i dont do AnaK Melayu anymore.

And for the record too, if not for Anak Melayu i wouldnt have met many beautiful pple that stayed attached in my life. =)

And also, one particular guy whom had a very great impact on me.

See, he sent me a STICKY NOTE via that webbie wanting to get to know me and even gave me his number.

Out of curiosity, i viewed his profile and i saw the most amazing and most good looking guy ever!

I dont really call guys who gave me their numbers no matter how hot they are. Not that i get that much.

But with him, i just wanted to get to know him. I have no freaking idea why.

So that few weeks we got to know each other more and i fell for him. I know, i know.. a few weeks, what could i have found in him?

Now, that i couldnt find the answer. Up till now.

Ok, so we kinda dated for a few months.

And that few months was torturous. I was made known that he had this gf since secondary school and are on the outs. That guy was like CHIPSMORE. Skejap ada, skejap takde.
BUt i gave him a chance.

I thought, i soo thought, he could forget her one day..

Anyways, months after that dating period, he asked me to be his gf.

I was estatic. I really was.

But then again, the relationship was sour. Full of ups and down. Full of trial and tribulations.

We broke up after 9 months of sadness rather than happiness.

I tried letting go. I really did. BUt his name was carved in my heart. I wasnt prepared. I didnt want to. I was in a delusional state.

After the sour break up, i didn hear from him for a few months. BUt then, he came back. And i kept longing. I couldnt forget.

Then the truth came out. He was two timing me with that high school sweetheart of his.

Devastated, i was.

BUt i kept my cool.

Then months later, i found myself n another relationship with my secondary school friend.

When i was with him, dat guy told me that he misses me and that he wants to be with me.

"Why now?" was my reply.

Why wasnt it years ago..?

BUt, my relationship wth my that bf didnt work out as well. We broke up soon after.
Ironically, the guy who said he misses me did not come back. Instead he is still with his high school gf.

Great! *sarcastic mode on*

Despite that we still kept in contact and such. We chatted, we exchanged sms-es.
His gf was livid of coz!

But, that guy still wanna kip in contact with me and i at that particular time still am not letting go.

I now realise that i, too, can be such a bitch at times.

Lets just say at this point of time, history keeps repeating itself. Over and over again.

And me, i keep opening and closing the door for him.

Im stupid. Im gullible. Im naive.

Just today, i received a call from him when i was at work. He confessed that he's the one who deleted me from his friendster list. The best part is he added me after i deleted him and then called me up and asked y i deleted him. And then added me again.

BUt last sunday, i called him and asked how cum im missing from his list. He said that he didnt delete me and even have the cheek to say that it doesnt make sense to delete me when he added me.

He called this morning. He sounded way depressed and was blabbering abt his gf.

I was even nice to ask, whats wrong. Thats when all the truth came out.
I was devastated yet again.

Despite that, i even said, "You all asik gaduh je. T gaduh pun mesti baik jugak pe."

After that phone call. I wanted to cry. I really did. But i controlled myself as it was already time for me to return to class.

I did, however sent him a msg saying not to give up on the woman he love. And to lose contact with me if this happens again.

He called straight away.

I did not answer but msg him again saying i dont wish to tok.

Then the msg came when he asked me to dont reply any of his gf msges.

I asked why.

He text back saying he never intended to add me on friendster and that he was making full use of me to get even. He eve said something about calling him a jerk or whatsoever as he just wanna protect his relationship.

How do u tink i'd react?

"Dis is also y im cutting all ties w u. Thx. Ive nva been made a fool b4! But thx to u i hv. Did getting even save ur rltnshp? No! Trust u 2 do dat wen i hv nva doneanytg 2 u. Thx so much!"

He replied dis, " I didnt mean. Im supposed to msg u tt. But im reluctant. Tt msg was juz 2 plz her. I dun wanna lose ya. A pure hearted fren. Nva wanna lose ya. Pls."

I replied saying enough is enough. I dun exist in his life & he dun exist in mine.

One of the hardest things i have to do.

Its silly playing childish games like pleasing the gf and losing a friend.

Though its better that way coz im not a friend to him.

Im just sumone he made used of. Sumone to get even to his childish gf. Watever.

To HIM: All good things must come to an end. I wun be ur ragdoll no more. I dun want to hear from u anymore. I dont want u to call me anymore. I dont want u to sms me anymore. I dont want u to exist in my life anymore. U made use of me for nearly 4 years. Find someone else to be ur scapegoat for u n ur gf childish's games.

To HER: YOU GET TO KEEP HIM.

No more of HIM AND HER.

Im putting it all behind.

Im closing the door for good.

All pictures, diary entries, that heart shape necklace he bought for me will be dispose. IMMEDIATELY.

@ 9:17 PM

Lullaby

My crying. My tears have been my lullaby.

Oh Dear God, please help me.

Give me the courage to move on.

Give me the courage to let go of the past.

Give me the courage to forget about him.

Give me the courage to have a closure.

Im in total need of a closure.

I wanna move on.

I wanna forget the past.

I wanna forget him.

Oh dear God, i cant deal with any heartbreaks anymore. I really cant.

A friend just asked if im together with him.

W/o knowing, tears just fell.

Looks like its lullaby time soon.

=(

@ 10:43 PM

The best thing

The best thing that has ever happened to me is THEM.

Introducing HOT STUFF CANNOT BLUFF.

Featuring, SWEET STUFF. COOL STUFF. CUTE STUFF.

We have diasgreements here and there but we always pull through.

You girls make my day.

xoxo

@ 5:14 PM

Be right back

Thx to all those who made it to my open house yesterday.
Will update soon.
Once i received all those pictures.

So, these people, i do know u guys read my blog. So pls take NOTE to pass it to me via email.

LIYANA. REEN. RZ. IJA & AZLY

EFNY & DIDA- i can curik from ur multiply. No worries there.

Till then. Enjoy this pic of me.

Sweet eh u..? *giggles*

@ 4:51 PM

Nadya's Open House

Received an invite from Nadya to her open house.

Made plans with darling a'an whom i have not seen for the longest time.

3 tahun ade u..?

*giggles*

Nonetherless, she was late la ok. Nearly an hour waited for her. She gave me the hugest hug ever. I forgave her almost immediately. =)

Few pictures up for view.

First there were two.

then, there were 3

finally, the four of us..

Thx for reading.. Hehe.

@ 4:54 PM

Hopeless

i Checked my email earlier.

Saw that a number of my friends are in the facebook webbie.

Out of curiosity, i signed up.

Saw a few pictures which i dont wanna see.

Saw a few pictures which was just uploaded yesterday.

Saw a few pictures which shatters me.

Saw a few pictures which broke my heart all over again.

Yes ija, if HE nva attends saturday's open house, he will NEVER EVER attend ur wedding.
He dont make good his promises doesnt he.?

*sigh*

Im sorry. suddenly i feel so shitty.

Friends, foes, lovers, losers.

@ 9:00 PM

Friends and Foes

Just today, one boy, my student cried in the dining room.

I was in the music room (which was next to the dining room of coz) when it happened so i was clueless.

As usual, my very kepo kepo students barged into the music room and said, "Teacher Diyana, M is crying."

I asked them why he is crying and they said something about M looking at a girl panties and what not.

Like seriously. Kids nowadays. Tsk tsk!

I called M into the music room and shooed the rest out and had a talk with him.

He was still sobbing btw.

Here's an excerpt of our conversation.

TD: Why are u crying M?

M: They never friend me.

TD: Who?

M: All of them.

TD: What actually happened?

M: I dunno.

TD: What is it that i heard about u looking at Z panties and all..?

M: I never.

I went out from the music room and called Z in the music room.

TD: Z, did M look at ur panties?

Z: No.

(My students very mcm2 ok. Mana ntah dorang suddenly came out with this pun, i tak tau)

TD: M, what actually happened?

M: G told everyone not to friend me.

(G is Z twin brother btw)

TD: Ok, stop crying. It wont solve any problem. Go outside and eat your bread.

I went out and called G into the music room to have a private chat with him.

TD: G, why did u say that to M?

G kept quiet.

TD: Look, you wouldnt like it if someone said that to you right?

G kept quiet again.

TD: Ok, what if, i went out right now and tell everyone to not talk to you and dont be your friend anymore. How would you feel?

G: Sad.

TD: There you go. You'd feel miserable. That's exactly how M is feeling right now when you said that to him. I dont ever want you to say that to him or anyone ever again ok.

G nodded.

G went out and from what i saw he went over and apologised to M.

Smart boy!

*TD is short for TEACHER DIYANA*
*The alphabets are my students initial*

Still in the topic of friends, yes ive said bad and hurtful things. You can call me a hypocrite for all i care. But my conscience is clear. Ive apologised to the other party.

Can you ever do that?

Of coz u cant.

Can you ever forgive and forget?

Of coz u cant.

Now, im thinking.

What can you do?

@ 8:20 PM

Salam Lebaran

I was contemplating whether to start my entry with 'I was very tired today & thank god im home' or 'Im sorry for not blogging for a while'.

I really am.

But then again, the confusion makes a great start.

I guess its high time i started blogging about my eid celebration.

Yes, i wasnt that enthusiastic like years before. But as days goes along, it got better. I guess.

So now, i wanna update on my raya.
Ready..?

Ok, before i start, i wanna say that since i wasnt that enthu, i wore dida's last year baju kurung!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

me & dida.

Nothing alike in personality nor looks.

me & kak noi.

We look nothing alike.

Family potrait.

Did i mention that since the grandfolks are currently staying in my abode, my house was swarmed with relatives on the very first day!

I was very busy dat day entertaining guests and camwhoring that i did not reply to any text messages that i received from loved ones. Sowie. *peace*

Baobei & i.

Actually, its just supposed to be me but this angel of mine menyelit only la.

Nenek & Embah's grandchildren.

Mcm ramai gitu kan. And end of the year another baby boy is joining in.

Yay!

When everyone has left, dad announced that we are going to go to Nenek Toa Payoh;s house.

Dats how we described our paternal grandmother. Nenek TOA PAYOH.

Coz she lived there mah. Hehe. Cute kan kita! Layan!~

In the car otw to Toa Payoh.

N yes, my fingers are busy replying to all msges that i received on that day.

Cik Lan says, "3 dara pingitan'.

Ok!

After that we thought we are heading back but dad tricked us and we had to go to his uncle's house at serangoon. After that, then we headed back home.

By then, my head was spinning so i went to sleep.

Dida woke me up few hours later asking me whether i wanted to go to adek's crib.

I told her maybe NOT since i was still nursing a bad headache. But dida persisted and i gave in.

So there i was infront of his crib and i bumped into...

Nadya Camelia.

Great seeing you babe!

Adek, ur dad's ayam masak merah syiok giler hokay!

2nd day of raya saw me staying home coz guests called to come over.

Uncle Pete & wife came with TOM. Me and my sibs childhood playmate.

Tom is all grown up. He looks so gooooooooddddddd.. Really.

I was practically gawking and drooling at him.

I kept sliding glances at him out from the corner of my eyes.

I even ooh-ed and ahh-ed over him through sms-es with ianz, taib & inda.

Here's a picture of us.

Cute isnt he..?

There goes my raya weekend.

I'd love to blog more and post pictures but ive yet to receive them from darling a'an. So that will have to wait yea.

Anyhoos, the whole workg and transferring saga is over. Except that Ive yet to overcome it.

No, im not staying at my current centre.

Ive to move, remember?

I wrote a long email to Boss the other day. He did not reply to my email but he dropped by our centre to listen to my rants.

How nice!~

And i wasnt sarcastic when i said that.

It was really nice of him to drop by and listen to his subordinates.

I finally got my thinking straight and taking everything in stride.

I hope i will do well in my new work place.

Insyallah.

Well, i think ive blogged enough.

Blog some other time, kays.

Toodles.

@ 7:05 PM

I wish

I wish i could blog abt the raya at my crib the other day.

I wish i could blog about the time TOM came over and emphasize about how gorgeous he is.

I wish i could blog about HOT STUFF NEVER BLUFF.

I wish i could satisfy readers with eye candy pictures.

I wish i could make everything go right.

I wish i could blog about more meaningful than this.

@ 10:13 PM

Work politics

Bear with me as i vent out the unhappiness and frustrations i have inside.

Yes, the allocation is out.
I will be transferred out from the current place im working.

Another set of teachers to get used to.
Another VP to get used to.
A different environment altogether!

Was i shocked when told?
Yes.

I kept quiet after a while although i did have this feeling that i will be transferred out.

Ija and i had this conversation last week. She told me that she knew that this is gonna happen. She said, " That (certain) block has no malay teachers thats probably why we hafta separate.

Fine.

I accepted that fact.

That same night, i dreamt that im transferred out.

Fine once again.

Sharon said that i think too much into the matter.

Today, when we were told of the allocation to another block, i wasnt that much surprised.

I was told to learn at a new experience.

Fine.

Then, i found out that another malay teacher is coming to teach K1 class at my current centre.

What the...???!!!!

Isnt it the same if i stayed and the other teacher stayed as well. Why waste time and breathe on this little things???

Not only was i affected, two other teachers, both closest to me was affected as well.
Even they have their own issues to settle and come to terms with.

The 3 of us had a chat about it and we said that im the only one who is greatly affected by it.

Auntie asked me whether im sad.

"Of course!"

I vented out my frustration to her and said my piece.
She agreed wholeheartedly.

Im repeating my issue here once again, for those who dont quite understand, "Why the heck is another malay teacher taking over my place??"

It doesnt make sense.

We brainstormed and concluded (even a person with half brain will know), 'Close friends are not supposed to work with one another'.

WTH.

Is that even logical..?

Why isit that close friends cant work together?
Enlighten me.

I work very well with ija.

She's like my sister looking after me there.

Now that im separated from her, whose gonna look after me there..??!!

Yes, ive vented everything out. But what can it do..?

Nothing.

Nothing is gonna change the fact that the management has decided and i had to leave by the end of the year.

Yes, i will definitely accept the fact and come to terms with it.
What choice do i have?

Now, i have to start all over again.

Get to know the new people there. Get acquainted. Be friends and stuff.

Insyallah i will be ok with the teachers there. But the vp, im not quite sure.

During the Sports meet last month, i had an exchange of words with her.

I KNOW she dont quite like me.

But Sharon is right.

What can she do to me?

The advices that Sharon and Ija helps.

They told me to just do my best.

And if i couldnt get along with anyone there, just keep to myself.

No problem there!

Looks like everything is going to be soo different next year.

Think i wun be seeing Eila every morning next year.

I wun bumped into Mac anymore.

I wun get to drink hot soya milk every morning.

I wun get to go to work with ija next year!

What luck!

*sigh*

@ 6:14 PM

She turned 22.

She turned 22 on the 5th of October.

Happy 22nd babe.

@ 9:15 PM

The afermath of Lovet

Yes, that previous entry must have raised some eyebrows.

BUT,

Just for the record,

I WONT BE GOING BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM.

He just cant make up his mind and i cant deal and handle with all those sheez anymore.

Just one advice that i can give to him which i HAVE to learn myself.

LEARN TO LET GO.

@ 6:33 PM

Love

Its past midnite.

I just finished watching a movie on the lappie.
In my private space aka my room and on the comfort of my bed.

What movie did i just watched..?

The Break Up.

Starring Vince Vaughn and the lovely Jennifer Aniston.

I always thought that movies ALWAYS have a happy ending. The Break Up rather dont. It seems to be left hanging.

Just like how my love life is. Left hanging in mid air.

Btw, just to inform you that this entry is about my sappy love life.

Ready..? If you're not interested feel free to click on the X button at the right hand corner. Thank you very much.

Its been 15 months since i had a boyfriend. Believe it or not.

And my friends around me are kinda pestering me to have one. Guys whom i got to know was shocked when i told them that im single.

Seriously, do i look like a girl who is attached..?

Maybe i should make it clear. I dont look for a man. I dont look for LOVE. I'd rather they come and look for me.

After the misery that i went through (though its very hard to tell coz i rather bear the sufferings myself than potray my dejection to my friends), i put a smile everyday on my face and tell others that, 'Look, im fine w/o a bf".

Whichc is true, most of the time.

Other times, i cant help but envy those blessed in a relationships.
Other times, i keep thinking to myself,

"Is there something wrong with me.?"
"Am i not attractive enough?"

Close friends would beg to differ. The only reason that they will give me is that im just plain CHOOSY.

Which could be true.

Which IS true.

In a guy, i seek for almost perfection.

I want a guy who takes pride in himself, his career, his family and his friends.

I want a guy who knows how to groom himself well.

I want a guy who can gets along well with my friends.

I want a guy who ALSO gets along well with my family.

I want a guy who can drive.

Above all those little things that ive mentioned, i want a guy who LOVES me.

Ahhhh, the L word again.

Ever wondered what is love..?

Love has a lot of definition. ou can use love as verb or noun.

A common definition that you can find of LOVE:
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

For another person...

Ive been in love before. Im sure most of you have been in love before. I can fall in and out of love but there was this one time in my past relationship that i was very sure that im gonna marry this guy.

I got to know him from the internet and he just entered my life.

I fell head over heels in love with him.

His smile, his good looks, his personality, almost everything about him.

I gave him my heart. And he broke it. Twice.

Despite trying to move on, i still werent able to open my heart.

You can say once bitten twice shy.

Yes, i meet people, i go on dates but i have stopped doing all that.

Right now im enjoying being around my friends.

I know that despite not having a bf or whatsoever,

i am being loved.

A confession to make that will make all my friends hating me.

Im STILL in love with HIM.

Yes, the guy who broke my heart twice.

Im still in LOVE with him.

Dont ask me why but i just do.

Letting go of your first love is never easy and time will heal all pain.

Its been nearly 3 years and i still feel the same way.

A close one told me this, To Love Is Not To Own.

Ive pondered over this and realised that its true.

It doesnt mean that you have to OWN or HAVE the one you love.

You can love him with all your heart but not have him.

The most important thing is for HIM to be happy always.

That's all that matters.

Maybe one day, my own happiness will come knocking on my door.

Insyallah.

Incompatible, it don't matter though

'cos someone's bound to hear my cry

Speak out if you do

You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable

Is already in my life?

Right in front of me

Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone