Wednesday, November 16, 2005

.bitter.



Yesterday nyte, i found myself too troubled to sleep. And for once, i have no idea why. My pillar of strength listed it out for me and as a lost and confused girl dat i am, answered, "Emmm, maybe all." The few things that he listed was, 'Finance, Family, Career & Love'. Well, to be honest, under the finance & career category, i dun have much of a problem there. Family & Love is giving me lotsa problems.
Lets see, in five years time, my family will be like... (fill in the blank). Don't know. DOn't care. Scratch that. I care, but i still don't know the answer. What do i know? Well, everyday is a cold war btwn them. The rest of us are pretending to be alright. But to be honest, im not alright. I hate it when shitty things happen. Negative thoughts eludes me. What is going to happen next?
Marhaini made me think dat day. We talked about my love life. She sent me this msg.
'Y botha bout wat pple say bout ur relationship. They r nt u. They dun share da love u n him had. Tink abt it gal.'
It was pretty intense coming from her. On the outside, she's the crazy, happy go lucky girl and now she sent me that msg. I tink its the same as me. On the outside, i pretend to be ok, i am the same Dee but deep down inside, truthfully, im not alright. I was sad, depressed and angry. I feel out of place and out of time and I think Im gonna lose my mind. Ive always been known as a melodrama queen, oops, i mean, princess. So pardon how expressive i get.
I read somewhere that when u get older, you're on the brink of something new. Big changes are coming.. You're about to grow up. But for me, i still got one foot in childhood and one foot out of the door. Im mixed up and torn in half. I used to have a plan of what my life is going to be like- and of course it was going to be perfect. Why wouldnt it? I had great parents, cool friends, lovable bf. I had no reason to suspect that my world was about to shatter into a million pieces. My feelings are bottled up inside now, literally. If u know me by now, u would noe that one thing i hate most in this life is being lonely. Does that sound pathetic to you? It sure does to me. Sometimes i tell myself, it's ok to be single. It's ok not to have a bf. But at the end of the day, i would chide myself and say, 'who m i kidding?' Having a bf to be der for you, somebody you can talk to would help. Someone to share things with. Someone who could make me laugh. Someone i could trust. And the most important thing- someone who could love me, like i would love him. My feelings get even more torn up everytime i see couples pairing up infront of me. It made me feel how useless i am in this department. Like when i get back from an outing or some sort, i'd wanna talk to my sisters but when i walked into the room, bof my sisters are talking to their bfs. See what i mean? It got me to a stage where i feel like this is my worst nightmare. My life seems to be spiraling out of control. I wanted to crawl into bed and never come out. But deep inside me i had to reserve a strength. I have to find the courage to face what happened to me. I wouldnt want to let my problems crush me, and once i moved beyond that, a whole new world would open up.
The more i think about it, the more i think i've got to be the one who make things change- i can't just keep reacting to everything around me.
Okay, enough. I've got a ton of things to do.


@ 4:32 AM